The Definition of Rincewind

[morituri_nolumus_mori]

'Ah, Rincewind,' said the Archchancellor. 'We're looking for a volunteer to go into the squash court and shut down the reactor, and we've found you. Well done.'

'Is it dangerous?' said Rincewind.

'That depends on how you define dangerous,' said Ridcully.

'Er...liable to cause pain and an imminent cessation of respiration,' suggested Rincewind. 'A high risk of agony, a possible deficit of arms and legs, a terminal shortness of breath-'

Ridcully and Ponder went into a huddle. Rincewind heard them whispering. Then the Archchancellor turned, beaming.

'We've decided to come to a new definition,' he said. 'It is "not as dangerous as many other things". I beg you pardon...' He leaned over as Ponder whispered urgently in his ear. 'Correction, "not as dangerous as some other things". There I think that's clear.'

'Well, yes, you mean...not as dangerous as some of the most dangerous things in the universe?'

'Yes, indeed. And among them, Rincewind, would be your refusal to go.'

“IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED THAT WHEN RINCEWIND DIES THE AVERAGE OCCULT ABILITY OF THE HUMAN RACE WILL ACTUALLY GO UP BY A FRACTION.” — Sourcery on Rincewind’s magical talents “BUT YOU CAN TELL HE’S A WIZARD, BECAUSE HE’S GOT A POINTY HAT WITH A FLOPPY BRIM. IT’S GOT THE WORD ‘WIZZARD’ EMBROIDERED ON IT IN BIG SILVER LETTERS, BY SOMEONE WHOSE NEEDLEWORK IS EVEN WORSE THAN THEIR SPELLING. THERE’S A STAR ON TOP. IT HAS LOST MOST OF ITS SEQUINS.” — Sourcery “IN RINCEWIND’S EXPERIENCE THERE WERE FEW PROBLEMS THAT COULDN’T BE SOLVED WITH A SCREAM AND A GOOD TEN YARDS’ START.” — Interesting Times “HE COULD SHOUT `HELP!` IN FOURTEEN LANGUAGES AND SCREAM FOR MERCY IN A FURTHER TWELVE. HE HAD PASSED THROUGH MANY OF THE COUNTRIES ON THE DISC, SOME OF THEM AT HIGH SPEED, AND DURING THE LONG, LOVELY, BORING HOURS WHEN HE’D WORKED IN THE LIBRARY HE’D WHILED AWAY THE TIME BY READING UP ON ALL THE EXOTIC AND FARAWAY PLACES HE’D NEVER VISITED. HE REMEMBERED THAT AT THE TIME HE’D SIGHED WITH RELIEF THAT HE’D NEVER HAVE TO VISIT THEM.” — Eric “WELL, ACTUALLY HE WAS NO GOOD AT WIZARDRY EITHER, BUT AT LEAST HE WAS DEFINITIVELY NO GOOD AT IT. HE’D ALWAYS FELT HE HAD A RIGHT TO EXIST AS A WIZARD IN THE SAME WAY THAT YOU COULDN’T DO PROPER MATHS WITHOUT THE NUMBER 0, WHICH WASN’T A NUMBER AT ALL BUT, IF IT WENT AWAY, WOULD LEAVE A LOT OF LARGER NUMBERS LOOKING BLOODY STUPID. IT WAS A VAGUELY NOBLE THOUGHT THAT HAD KEPT HIM WARM DURING THOSE OCCASIONAL 3 A.M. AWAKENINGS WHEN HE HAD EVALUATED HIS LIFE AND FOUND IT WEIGHED A LITTLE LESS THAN A PUFF OF WARM HYDROGEN. AND HE PROBABLY HAD SAVED THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, BUT IT HAD GENERALLY HAPPENED ACCIDENTALLY, WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. SO YOU ALMOST CERTAINLY DIDN’T ACTUALLY GET ANY KARMIC POINTS FOR THAT. IT PROBABLY ONLY COUNTED IF YOU STARTED OUT BY THINKING IN A LOUD WAY ‘BY CRIMINY, IT’S JOLLY WELL TIME TO SAVE THE WORLD, AND NO TWO WAYS ABOUT IT!’ INSTEAD OF 'OH SHIT, THIS TIME I’M REALLY GOING TO DIE.’” — Interesting Times ‘No harm in that. I’ve never known what to do,’ said Rincewind with hollow cheerfulness. ‘Been completely at a loss my whole life.’ He hesitated. ‘I think it’s called being human, or something.’ “RINCEWIND HAD TO CONCEDE THAT THE SHOUTING MAN WAS RIGHT. NOT, THAT IS, ABOUT RINCEWIND’S FATHER BEING THE DISEASED LIVER OF A TYPE OF MOUNTAIN PANDA AND HIS MOTHER BEING A BUCKET OF TURTLE SLIME; RINCEWIND HAD NO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF EITHER PARENT BUT FELT THAT THEY WERE PROBABLY AT LEAST VAGUELY HUMANOID, IF ONLY BRIEFLY.” — Interesting Times ““DO YOU UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU LISTENING?” HE SAID. “THAT’S THE LAST TIME THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO TRICK RINCEWI-” [END OF BOOK]” — Interesting Times “RINCEWIND HAD EATEN IN MANY COUNTRIES ON THE DISC, AND SOMETIMES HE’D BEEN ABLE TO COMPLETE AN ENTIRE MEAL BEFORE HAVING TO RUN AWAY. AND THEY’D ALWAYS LACKED SOMETHING. OH, PEOPLE DID GREAT THINGS WITH SPICES AND OLIVES AND YAMS AND RICE AND WHATNOT, BUT WHAT HE’D COME TO CRAVE WAS THE HUMBLE POTATO. TIME WAS WHEN A PLATE OF MASH OR CHIPS WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS FOR THE ASKING. ALL HE’D NEEDED TO DO WAS WANDER DOWN TO THE KITCHENS AND ASK. FOOD WAS ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR THE ASKING AT UNSEEN UNIVERSITY, YOU COULD SAY THAT FOR THE PLACE, EVEN IF YOU SAID IT WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL. AND, RIDICULOUS THOUGH IT SOUNDED NOW, HE’D HARDLY EVER DONE THAT. THE DISH OF POTATOES’D COME PAST AT MEALTIMES AND HE’D PROBABLY HAVE A SPOONFUL BUT, SOMETIMES, HE WOULDN’T! HE’D… LET… THE… DISH… GO… BY. HE’D HAVE RICE INSTEAD. RICE! ALL VERY NUTRITIOUS IN ITS WAY, BUT BASICALLY ONLY GROWN WHERE POTATOES WOULD’VE FLOATED TO THE SURFACE. HE’D REMEMBER THOSE TIMES, SOMETIMES, USUALLY IN HIS SLEEP, AND WAKE UP SHOUTING, ‘WILL YOU PASS THE POTATOES, PLEASE!’ SOMETIMES HE REMEMBERED THE MELTED BUTTER. THOSE WERE THE BAD DAYS.” — Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent